What should the kids wear today? I don't know.
Jack just poked Evelyn in the eye. What do I do? I don't know.
It's raining. What should we do today? I don't know.
Evelyn just spit on the floor. What do I do? I don't know.
Can/should the kids have chocolate milk with breakfast/lunch/dinner? I don't know.
Ella won't go to sleep - ever. What do I do? I don't know.
Netflix for one, two, three hours per day? I don't know.
Henry is crying and crying and crying. What do I do? I don't know.
I DON'T KNOW.
Not knowing is draining. Discouraging. Defeating. A few nights ago the kids were on a major sugar binge after a late-evening birthday celebration. Jack wouldn't go to bed. Every five minutes for about three hours he came out of his room to tell us he couldn't sleep. Five seconds after that Michael would stare at me with that "what the hell do we do" look. Do we let him cuddle in our bed? Do we let him sit up with us? Do we bribe? Do we threaten? I don't know.
This - mothering - is my full time job and most of the time I don't know what I'm doing. I would be fired if I were in any other line of work.
"Doctor, I broke my foot. Can you fix it?"
"Well, I don't know."
"Dentist, I have a cavity. Can you fill it?"
"Hmmm, I don't really know."
I read books on parenting and it seems like the authors know. I look around at other families and their kids are sweet and kind and thoughtful and I assume they know. I talk to my mom role models and they must know. Right?
But I still wonder - does any parent really know? Is it possible to know? Am I alone in my don't knowing? Can I become less don't-ing and more knowing? Will I someday answer questions like - "Should I let the baby cry it out?" "How many bites of food should the kids eat at dinner?" "Organic vs. non-organic" - with confidence and boldness and insight? Will I ever know what to do?
I just heard a really smart guy - Phil Strout - talk about wisdom. He said we don't parachute into wisdom. We step into it with our left foot, our right foot, our left foot, our right foot. It comes gradually, painstakingly and often shows up after the fact. Ugh. Just when I need it most. One husband, four kids and a crazy golden doodle - someone charter me a plane and grab me that chute.
But until that flight shows up, I guess I'm just going to put one foot in front of the other and pray that with each step forward, I'm going to know a little bit more than the one before.
Sometimes it's wisdom simply to acknowledge the not knowing.
ReplyDeleteYou're steeped in it. (Wisdom, that is.)
Amen. It's about the time I feel like I'm on a pretty good streak of knowing that I start waiting for God's punchline.
ReplyDeleteI think God intentionally sets up life like this, the not knowing. It's as if the more I step into challenges, the more "not knowing" I experience. He uses this to humble me and lead me forward into greater challenges I wouldn't have taken on if I was still thinking I could handle it myself. Kind of a, "Sure, fine, what do I know?!?" experience.
I think that denying our lack of answers often times denies God's requests in the very same moment.